


It Should've Been Me

by InfamousPlayer



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash has been through A LOT, BAMF Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfamousPlayer/pseuds/InfamousPlayer
Summary: Goh and Koharu were both slowly realizing Ash was way more experienced than he seemed. That was not always a good thing.
Relationships: Gou | Goh & Koharu | Chloe, Gou | Goh & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Koharu | Chloe & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum & Everyone
Comments: 16
Kudos: 310





	It Should've Been Me

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored and wrote angst because I couldn't find anything good to read at 3AM. There you go, that's all the info you need.

"The Tree of Beginning?" Goh repeated dumbly, being the first time he ever heard of that name. Ash stiffened besides him, and he would have really, REALLY payed more attention to that- _whenever Ash stiffened it was never a good sign-_ but Professor Sakuragi had said that this could be a lead to Mew. 

_Mew!_

It was like the universe smiled at him this week or something! First he catches Flygon, using everything he learned from Ash to succeed in the most badass way possible, then Koharu actually tags along with them and actually enjoyed herself- _there were no words to describe how happy and how pissed he felt at seeing Ash and Koharu interacting so well with each other-_ and him and Koharu are actually able to talk without pissing each other off anymore! It couldn't get any better than that, could it?!

Apparently it could.

"That's right. It's a very unknown and secluded place, but it has recently been opened to public sighting. You can't get IN the tree, as it's said to be insanely dangerous, but you can get close enough to find a lead at least. And the best part-" Here, the professor made a motion with his hand, changing the holographic image in front of them from a overview of the huge tree, to a blurry image, most definitely taken in a hurry, of the reason to Goh's decisions and life choices since he was six. For better or for worse, every choice he had made had led him to this moment, and god, _fuck the bad parts,_ meeting Ash made everything worth it.

He didn't notice Pikachu frantically nuzzling his cheeks against his trainer's cheeks, while the raven haired Champion tried his best to remain calm, horrible memories and dark thoughts than were never meant to be thought by anyone plaguing his mind. But still, he was really good at looking like he was fine, so he managed to appear relatively normal, if a little tense, but thankfully no one noticed.

_He didn't know what he was gonna do if they did._

"Mew!" Goh exclaimed, tears almost coming to his eyes, and really, a blurry photo that could most definitely be fake shouldn't invoke that kind of reaction on him, but Arceus, this was the first real lead he had of the Mythical in months, so seeing it was like Ash reassuring him that his dream wasn't impossible all over again.

"It could be fake." Koharu said from the couch, relying on logic instead of emotions like always, and it was funny how just a week ago he would've probably rolled his eyes and dismissed her, but this time her voice lacked that patronizing tone that always made him lose his mind around her. She was just genuinely trying to protect him from disappointment, and he appreciated it a lot.

He knew that that was probably what she was always trying to do, but now that they both understood each other so much better, they could actually not step on the other's toes while trying to help.

"It could, but it was taken a few years back around the area of the Tree, and there's honestly nothing suggesting that it isn't real. It isn't implausible to think Mew could have a connection to the Tree considering how important legend says it is, and it may even be guarding it. I doubt it's still there, but you could most definitely find a lead if you go to look." Sakuragi finished, smiling kindly like he always did, and he had no idea how thankful Goh was to him. 

Even when Koharu didn't believe in him, even when he was pretty much alone, essentially _before_ Ash, Sakuragi always encouraged him, was always patient with him, and every time he looked at him, he felt more inclined to continue. To keep going.

"That's all the reassurance I need! This is the best lead I had on Mew in months! Let's go Ash!" He yelled, so excited he could barely breathe, grabbing Ash's wrist to drag him towards the door... only the boy didn't move.

He looked back towards his friend, ready to yell that they needed to go now, but stopped himself when he saw just how... _tense_ Ash looked. He knew that for everyone else in the room he probably looked normal, but Goh had been around him for months now, and knew very well that when Ash looked tense, he usually had a damn good reason to be.

"Ash?" He called the boy's name in worry, drawing the attention of everyone in the room immediately, because even if no one there knew him well enough to know his mannerisms as well as Goh did, everyone there cared about him a lot. He had pretty much became part of the household along with Mr. Mime, and no one there could even imagine life without him around anymore. It would be so _weird._

It was almost scary how much his presence affected them.

"Are you okay?" Kikuna asked, tone worried, and just like that, Ash seemingly snapped back to reality, and Goh fought the urge to cringe. Ash _hated_ when people worried about him specifically, always worrying about someone else and refusing to let people concern themselves with him. 

It was weird how much Goh hated it.

"Oh yeah, sorry, I'm totally fine! Good for you Goh, I'm sure you'll find something amazing there!" He said excitedly, walking towards the door on his own now, and everyone stared at him dumbly, completely thrown off by his behavior, because even if Ash was cheerful and silly pretty much all the time, it felt so _fake_ now that it was honestly concerning, especially to Goh and Koharu.

Speaking of her, one glance at his childhood friend showed that she was almost as concerned as he was- _she hid it well, but he was really good at reading her-_ and that was honestly surprising. After all, she had only started periodically joining them on their adventures a couple times in the last few weeks, but even then, Goh assumed he shouldn't be surprised Ash managed to get on Koharu's graces as well.

It was like he was a magnet, to people and Pokémon alike. They just naturally wanted to follow him, and the more time they spent with him, the more they realized why. 

He was so, _so good._ But so common at the same time. There was something about him, about the way he looked at you and smiled, that made him seem unreachable, but he was so open and friendly and so humble that it was sometimes hard to notice how experienced he was.

_He was a FUCKING CHAMPION._

And he hadn't even thought to mention it.

 _"It's just a title, doesn't make me better or worse than anyone right?"_ He had said when Goh found out, that night where he slept in his house. Seeing all those Pokémon and all those trophies was surreal. It was like he had been in this world for ages, but in reality he was the same age as Goh.

It didn't feel like it sometimes. With people like Visquez and Shijima talking about him like he was some kind of urban legend- _and_ _he kinda was-_ and the way that every town they went to seemed to scream his name, his footsteps assured and confident and familiar. 

People and Pokémon gravitated to him just like he had. Dragonite and Gengar and Riolu and Farfetch'd, all of them having pretty much walked into their Pokeballs, and the adoration that they had for their trainer was only as big as the one Ash had for them. Meeting Korrina and seeing such a powerful Gym Leader treat Ash like he was her sibling, and seeing his family in Alola look at him like he was the sun-

It made him feel incredibly _tiny_ sometimes. Like he was entering a world that so many people had entered before him.

It was scary how young he felt compared to Ash sometimes.

But at the same time, he was so, _so human_ , carried himself with such ease and acted so childishly and innocent, made mistakes and picked himself up with a smile anyway, it almost reminded him...

It reminded him of Mew.

"What are you talking about Ash, you're coming with us right?" Goh asked, trying to laugh but it somehow came out even more fake than Ash's demeanor. He didn't even need to ask Koharu if she would come with them. It was a holiday and this was huge. And she had shown clear interest in the Tree of Beginning as well, so she was obviously tagging along.

"Nah, I gotta train. Get back up on those ranks you know? I have this super awesome training strategy for Gengar that I wanna try it out. But I'll be rooting for ya!" He said, big smile and eyes closed, and it was almost impressive how none of them fell for it.

"Ash, seriously, are you ok?" Koharu asked this time, stepping closer, and was it just him or Ash seemingly stepped back? 

"I said I'm fine." He said good naturedly, but everyone could see that he was getting tenser by the second. 

"Yeah, that's kinda hard to believe bud. Are you sure you're ok, you look a little pale." Renji said with an easy going smile, reigning back his worry to try and make the kid feel at ease, because _damn_ didn't it pull at his heartstrings seeing him look so tense.

"You're not sick again are you?" Kikuna on the other hand didn't even try to pretend she wasn't worried, that day where Goh and Sakuragi got him out of the car after he had passed out in the middle of the street fresh in all their minds, and Arceus hadn't that been an experience.

"Nah, I'm totally fine! No fever gonna take me down today." He said with a laugh, and at least _that_ was true, he looked perfectly fine, which was why it was so weird to see him acting like this. This wasn't like him at all!

"So what's the problem then? C'mon dude, that's the first lead we've had on Mew in _months_! I know you want to battle Leon again, but we should really go there fir-

  
**_"NO LUCARIO!"_ **

  
They all took a step back after that, gaping at him in surprise, fear and- what Lucario?! Riolu hadn't evolved yet- What the hell was going on?!

They all stared at him, and somehow he looked so calm, almost... resigned? They really couldn't tell. Pikachu was glaring at them, and that particular fact made them shrink on themselves a little. They didn't mean to push him so much, they were just so worried, and when he screamed- _Ash had never screamed at them in rage, ever-_ there was just so much sorrow in his eyes, and they-

All they knew is that they were extremely worried now.

Suddenly, Ash just forced out a laugh and turned around, demeanor cheerful all over again.

"Alright, we're just gonna pretend that didn't happen! Alright? Ok. Ok? Alright. Alright? Ok." He kept repeating that to himself until he was outside, and then they couldn't hear him anymore.

The room suddenly felt much more colder.

* * *

In the end, Goh and Koharu went by themselves after Professor Sakuragi, Renji and Kikuna promised on their lives that they would make sure Ash was alright, and as much as Goh wanted to at least have a glimpse of Mew, he almost regretted going.

But he had a dream to chase after, and he couldn't put that on hold because Ash was being weird.

That was what he told himself at least. 

If he was being honest with himself, he was just afraid he would make everything worse. 

"Do you think he went there before?" Koharu asked in the bus when it was about halfway there. They both had been quiet through the whole trip, mood somber, and it was amazing how much Ash's absence affected them both. 

"He went _everywhere_ honestly. I wouldn't be surprised if he did, but I just don't see why he would have such a big of a problem with the place... it's just so weird to see him..." He stopped himself, trying to find the right words, but he couldn't come up with anything, as it usually happened when he was around Ash.

"Afraid?" Thankfully, Koharu was way better than him at expressing herself, but even she sounded disbelieving when she said it. And he couldn't blame her. Ash and afraid were two words that just didn't go together. They just didn't fit in the same phrase.

"Yeah. Afraid." It was all he could say.

"I mean, he's been to a lot of places. Not all of those experiences must have been great. Everyone's afraid of something right?" She asked, more to herself than him.

"You're right, but..." 

Something that could scare- no, _terrify_ Ash to the point where he reacted like _that?_

They both couldn't help but shudder.

* * *

It all happened so fast.

Everything was going great, Koharu was enjoying the sights, marveling at how big the place was, and how _alive_ everything around it seemed to be, while Goh was sure that he had found some compelling evidence Mew had been there, even though he couldn't be sure. If only he could go inside the Tree...

His wish was granted faster than he thought possible.

He should've honestly expected for Team Rocket to try and do something stupid now that the area around the Tree was open for the public, and of course they did, forcing their way inside and forcing him and Koharu to act.

Except the Regies acted first. 

And now they were trapped inside the Tree with three Legendaries, all of them ready to obliterate them. Yamper didn't stand a chance. Flygon and Aerodactyl and Raboot and Sobble tried, but they didn't even manage to make a dent. 

It was almost comical how Ash had dropped seemingly out of nowhere.

"Mach Blitz, Volt Tail, Hyper Pulse!" Yelling non existent attacks that somehow existed, Ash had seemingly teleported in, Dragonite, Infernape and Pikachu using combined moves that somehow blasted the three titans away, long enough for Gengar to teleport them out, which was how Ash had probably gotten there in the first place.

A blink and they were outside, and Ash wasn't.

"Ash!" Both him and Koharu yelled, trying to get back there, but Gengar shook his head, teleporting back in, and the two minutes they waited for Ash to return were the longest in their whole lives. And when he did return... God, it was insane how _mad_ he was.

 _"What the hell were you guys thinking?!"_ That was something that you probably would never expect to come out of Ash Ketchum's mouth, but there it was, and him and Koharu could only gape. They were in a blind spot behind the Tree, so thankfully no one would walk on them.

"You just entered there without any plan to get back out- what if I hadn't showed up huh?! What do you think the Regies would've done to you, what do you think the anti-bodies would've done?!" If they weren't so busy gaping at him, trying to figure out who this guy was compared to kind hearted and friendly Ash, they would've payed more attention to whatever the hell those anti-bodies were.

"T- Team Rocket entered the Tree... we were afraid they would try something, or that they would get hurt." Koharu said in a small voice, looking at anywhere but him, Goh trying to do the exact same because _Jesus_ Ash was scary when he was angry, but his answer immediately snapped their heads back to him, horrified.

 _"Who freaking cares if Team Rocket were doing something stupid?!_ They are not kids, they can take care of themselves, they knew exactly what they were getting themselves into by getting into that Tree!" 

W-what?! Did Ash just tell them to ignore someone who needed help or Team Rocket trying to do something wrong?!

He was surprised by how much those words coming from Ash's mouth angered him.

"So we were just supposed to let them get away or die?! What the hell Ash?! That's not right! They could've gotten themselves killed-" Ash's glare silenced him better than his mom's ever did.

"Serves them right for trying to mess with things out of their control for the billionth time! You have _no idea_ how important this place is, but _they_ do, and they tried to mess with it anyway, if they got killed, too bad for them! I can't believe they still tried- after everything that happened- _**ARGH!**_ " And there it was, that roar again, that terrifying voice that finally made them notice Ash had seen much more than they thought, this time while he punched a huge rock behind him in rage. 

The rock shattering to pieces was honestly the least of their concerns as they stared at each other helplessly, Ash falling to his knees, anger seemingly spent as he took deep breaths. Infernape, Pikachu, Riolu, Farfetch'd, Gengar and Dragonite stood a little to his side, having been silent this whole time, and Dragonite and Gengar and Riolu and Farfetch'd seemingly tried to go and comfort their trainer, looking even more helpless than Goh and Koharu, specially Riolu, who looked two steps away from having a panic attack from worry, but the two more experienced Pokemon stopped them, knowing Ash needed his space for this, even though they had to contain their tears at seeing the person they loved most in the world being in that position again.

After seemingly forcing himself to calm down, whispering to himself things that neither he nor Koharu dared to guess, he finally spoke again, breaking the silence that they didn't know how to break.

"I've been here before."

And just like that, Ash explained everything. How it had been in the middle of his Battle Frontier challenge. How there had been a festival.

A Lucario.

A Mew. 

A fight.

A reconciliation.

A sacrifice.

By the time Ash was done, no one there wasn't crying their eyes out, even though Ash somehow looked extremely calm even while looking like he could break at the slightest touch. Koharu was trembling, and Goh was fighting the urge to vomit.

So much death, so much chaos, and Team Rocket had been there, and they still-

He suddenly understood Ash's anger very well.

But he still needed to be there for his friend. 

Sucking it up and drying his tears, he finally opened his mouth. "Ash... I know you're not gonna want to hear this but... Lucario... it wasn't your fault. I know it wasn't. And I feel like... I feel like he would say the same thing if he was here." He tried to sound as comforting as possible, tried to think about what he would want to hear if he was in this situation, but fuck, there was no way he could possibly imagine himself getting out alive and sane from something like that.

Ash just _laughed._

A sound that was usually so joyous and full of life coming from him, now just sounded hollow and so, _so broken._

How the hell did he live life like this?

"Yeah, that's what everyone always says isn't it? Of course they do. They think I'm like them, like they can somehow understand me _**but**_ _**guess what?! No one can!"**_ He threw his hand, a ball of blue energy seemingly shooting out of it and hitting a tree, creating a huge hole in it.

Him and Koharu gaped, trying to comprehend what they just saw, Riolu gasping and running to Ash, ignoring anything else as Ash kneeled again, seemingly out of breath and holding his head. The little fighter that was like Ash's second Pikachu grabbed his knee, trying to get his attention, but for the first time since he hatched, Ash ignored the blue pup.

"It should've been me." He said, voice trembling with sorrow as the words came out of his mouth. Goh and Koharu finally got up from the ground, refusing to let Ash believe that, and they couldn't even hide their horror.

"Ash, no, don't say that..." It was so shocking to hear Koharu sound so small, her voice wet and trembling as they slowly approached their friend, but Ash just shook his head desperately.

 _"It should've been me!_ He gave his life for this goddamn world and I- I- God, I should've died a long time ago." He said something so horrifying, so _final,_ like it was nothing but the truth.

They tried to not think about how many times he said those exact same words to himself.

Finally losing it, Goh hugged Ash from behind, Koharu hesitating but joining in when Ash seemingly broke down, crying so hard his body wracked with sobs. Pikachu, Infernape, Farfetch'd, Dragonite and Gengar joined them, squeezing them in a group hug that would've probably been awkward in any other situation.

They all cried together. And it felt weirdly good.

"Everything I touch just becomes worse, everyone who's around me is always in danger or dying- I- why haven't you guys gave up on me yet?" He continued beating himself up, sounding defeated and just so, so _tired,_ and they both refused to let him believe any of that.

"Because we wouldn't be here without you. You helped us _so much,_ I- I can't even imagine my life without you anymore. Everything I did until now... I would never have done it without you Ash. Ever. You're like, like-

"Hope." Koharu finished for him, and Ash seemingly stiffened, like he had heard something like this before. "You're hope Ash. You're hope that we can be better, that we can change and become the best versions of ourselves, that we can achieve our dreams and that everything is going to be fine in the end. I don't know how you could ever think you only make things worse, you- you are _amazing."_ She hugged him tighter, wondering how in the seven hells she got into this situation, but for the second time this week, she felt like this was right, like she was meant to be there. Like she wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Goh hugged Ash tighter as well, thankful that Koharu said everything he didn't know or didn't have the courage to say. His Pokémon hugged him tighter as well, their grip comforting and Infernape's flame warming them, and Ash couldn't even put into words how thankful he was to all of them right now.

 _"Thank you."_ He whispered, body finally relaxing as he allowed them to hug him, tears finally slowing.

They only hugged him tighter.


End file.
